NINETEEN NINETY-FOUR

Lost in California

2010-07-12T02:18:00.002+09:00

I haven't been blogging. My life here is way less exciting than it was in Korea. I haven't been in since January. Everytime I think about...daydream about moving back I think of all the Koreans and all their dirty and mean-spirited behaviors and I wince. Korea would be a great place to live if they Koreans stopped all the low-class, miseducated, and retarded things they do...I won't list them; if you live in Korea, you know.
This hot chick's last post was on the wives' tales/uneducated/miseducted/ignorant/try-cause-someone-told-me things that Koreans will say.
http://acowgirlinkorea.blogspot.com/
Well put, but I would like to add how all Koreans are the Borg...it is like they are all preprogramed with response and comments...yes, all of them. Amongst the things that all Koreans know with metaphisical certainty:
-Korean food is too spicy for you
-You are incapable of understanding Korean "culture"
-You dont speak Korean
Etc.....

What was the point of the post? Oh yah, you're stoned.
I do not, any longer, feel that California is home to me. What it is home to includes a whole lotta people who are not like me. No one speaks English here anymore. Unemployment exceeds 10%.
I am bored now with this post.

Korean idiot of the week

2010-04-17T01:24:00.002+09:00

I came across this ad online. What a moran. I was going to attempt a stab at humor, but this is just one of those stupid-koreans-have-no-idea-about-English moments.

Job Title:
English native teachers
Located at:
Gwangyang (South Korea)
Vacancy:
5 or more
Salary:
$2000000 KRW
Requisites:
English native with Bachelor Degree and higher
Required fields of expertise: ESL/EFL Details:Must have a Legal Working status for South Korea to apply!www.thepengee.com. Round air ticket. Housing. Assisting Health Insurance and Pension. Severance added. 7-32days Vacation. Bar with Aliens, Espresso, Shopping Mall.

Fucking retards

California High

2010-04-10T06:13:00.002+09:00

Stocks are up, pants are down

2010-03-17T09:14:00.004+09:00

The actress...thanks, bro, for leaving the comment. I had forgotten all about that. I have a picture of her and I will block out the eyes and post it, along with a story. I might even post about my new Asian non-Korean girlfriend I have been going out with.

I wrote a post on February 25th about trading stocks. I bought and sold Micron Technologies (MU). I made a nice little profit. I have been buying and selling it nearly daily for the past 3 weeks. It closed at $10.21 today. I am up nearly $1900 in less than a week. I suggest that you guys look into it. The chip maker is looking at an advantageous selling environment and DRAM and NAND demand is up. 6-month Target Price is supposedly at $15.

No one reads this piece of shit anymore

2010-03-16T09:38:00.002+09:00

Thinking of shutting the blog down. No one reads it anymore. But Cowgirl in Korea reads it and I would love to Cowgirl her, reverse and otherwise. She is one hot hottie of cacasianality. I might have to break my Asians-only policy of dating. Who is still reading this blog?

Get that fucking Korean piece of shit away from my driveway

2010-02-28T09:24:00.006+09:00

Someone parked a beaten up old Hyundai in front of my house last week. It made me feel violent. I seriously wanted to smash the car; not sure what that was all about. It was a little bit over my driveway which pissed me off too. I would have beat some DAK up if he had gotten into his car and said, "Solly" to me for his transgression.

Bored today. Went for my morning run. Cleaned the outside of both sides of the house. I am getting ready for a business trip to Arizona. I will drive the Porsche there. I'll take a shitload of pictures and show you when I get back.

I helped an old woman push her...whatever those mini cars are that look like the Mini Morris from Austin Powers...up the block and gave her my parking space. Some high school kids joined in. Her transmission fluid was either gone or her transmission was fucked cause it would not move in first or second gear. We parked her car and she was sobbing. I gave her a hug. She called AAA.

Do something nice for someone if only because no one else will do it. It's good karma. But don't do it for Koreans...they wont say thank you or even appreciate it. That's so pathetic. Open a door for a Korean sometime. They'll walk through the door like you are the fucking bellhop.

Cry Koreans....you have been victimized again

2010-02-26T00:47:00.003+09:00

The same judge who disqualified Kim, Dong-sung in Salt Lake in 2002 just DQed the Korean team from the Gold they thought they had won in women's 3000 short track. I feel so sorry for them...you believe me, right?

Koreans will never be better than Ono at speedskating. As a matter of fact, Koreans are not even good at short track; it's just that they are good at pushing, shoving, and jumping the queue...the fact that they are on skates comes in a distant 2nd. Koreans will never be as cool as Apolo Anton Ono. He is not fit to stand on the podium with you, that dickhead said? You couldn't even hold this guy's soul patch, my kimchee-fueled friend. This is the most decorated Winter Olympian in the history of the Winter Olympics. Only a Korean would say that about the podium nand Ono.

Everyone be careful out in Korea today. Koreans are gonna be pissed. They have yet another reason to hate foreigners. They actually enjoy the kind of pain that comes with playing the victim; but it brings out their 화병, too. Hwa Byung is a Korean word for Anger Sickness. It is just one more of the national mental illnesses that Koreans all suffer from. It is that anger than flashes over them and they cannot control it...much similar to a 3 year old having a temper tantrum.

You are a target in Korea for a multitude of things: staring, sex, inappropriate touching, cheating, stupid questions, instant friendship, and violence. They are pissed. I predict more aggressive behavior towards foreigners for a few weeks. Exercise caution.

Lousy in Korea

2010-02-25T10:59:00.002+09:00

Please go check out this chick's blog. She is sick. She is twisted. If you listen to her retard detractors, she eats Big Macs everyday. But at least she is interesting and intelligent as seen by her writing style (I am a snob for good writing). Check her out. She let me have a guest post on her blog. She promised to flash me her tits on webcam. I have the lube ready. So check out my guest post on her blog.

http://www.lousykorea.blogspot.com/

Leaving pennies on the table

2010-02-25T07:15:00.003+09:00

I got my last paycheck, company pension, and some withheld non-taxable wages wired to my JPMorganWashingtonMutualMegaFuckConglomerate bank account yesterday. The money was about 40% more than I expected. I guess I didn't take it without Vaseline this time by the DAKs (Dumb Ass Koreans). First thing I did was wire $10,000 into my brokerage account. Time to play! I chose 1150 shares of Micron Technology, a semiconductor maker specializing in DRAM and NAND. By close yesterday, I was 6 pennies down a share. The shares had just crossed below their 10-day moving average, but I was going to play contrarian and bought it anyway. I didn't pull the trigger at the end of the session and worried about it all day.

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. and couldn't sleep. I feared that I had made a mistake and looked more into the stock. If I put in a sell order for the open, the counter (stock) could fall dramatically at the open with all the orders queued and I'd get screwed on the bid. I decided to see what happens.

It opens and is mostly up. It hit an intraday high of $8.80 once and bounced down. I thought that if it hit that high again, that I should sell. It hit $8.84 and I sold, the bid settling in at $8.83. I made 16 cents a share multiplied by 1150 shares for a profit of $184. I rolled over and went back to sleep.

By the end of breakfast, those gains had retreated and I was satisfied with my modest gain.

Little did I know that Big Ben Bernanke was on The Hill and his testimony before congress on his outlook for the economy pushed tech stocks up across the board. I was wondering why the stock had shot up a few hours later. I left 23 pennies on the table. If I had sold at the intraday high, I would have made another $448.

It kinda felt like getting a handjob from the maid when you could have gotten a blowjob from her daughter a few hours later.

But money is money. I'll be back into the fray when the money settles.

Enjoy your interactions today with the DAKs.

Back in the Fatherland going on four weeks now

2010-02-22T10:16:00.003+09:00

"I am so vely,vely jealous-eh, because you country is #1 and Korea...all the way down. We have-eh the dirty Asians here. ㅠㅠ. So I sad, but HATE more than sad! So all I can do is give you the fuck you pinger, because I am filled with uncontrollable envy for your country. I have-eh the 화병."

화병...it is the 'anger sickness' that Koreans have...that ALL Koreans have. We have all seen it; a Korean flips the fuck out over almost nothing.

I haven't seen that in four weeks as I am back home in the wonderful state of California. But all is not lollipops and blow jobs here, dear readers, the state is fucked. December unemployment rate was 10.2%. Seriously not good. And that figure doesn't count those discouraged and not actively seeking employment, those underemployed, and those forced to work part time. Not everyone is from a wealthy family. Which comes to my main point:

I drive a Porsche.

Koreans want sooooo much to believe the myth that English teachers in Korea are losers who can't get work in Wakgookinland and have to go to Korea to teach. Then this is where they get twisted: we date Korean women and make as much or more than they do. Oh snap! That must hurt. I have dated an actress, models, and some very attractive barely legal teens.

But I was not an English teacher. I have taught English before, but I am not a teacher. I had professional jobs that were not teaching related. I wore suits to work. If you are clean cut and wear a suit, the Koreans will not treat you the rude way they usually treat us foreigners. It is enervating that one must wear expensive suits to get basic respect from them.

I don't want to talk about this. I was going to post on something else, but I had a flashback.

I have been back almost four weeks now. I am glad to be back and I do miss Korea as well. I am back at the house where I grew up, staying with my parents. My Porsche was in the garage waiting for me. Mom had put boxes on it. I told her not too. It runs like a dream. I will get four new Michelins for it this week. I am going to go on a road trip early next month. Actually, it will be a business trip, but I am going to make it fun.

I hope that some of you reading will leave a few comments about what you are doing and how you are feeling.

Oh yah...I have a new girlfriend. She is an Asian, but not Korean. I wish she was a Korean so she could bring me kimchee and side dishes alot. (Note to self: find Korean girlfriend in California). (Another note to self: one that doesn't work in a massage parlor).

Oh snap!

Return to the Fatherland

2010-02-10T02:03:00.002+09:00

Back in The Fatherland. Is it good to be back? Lemme see...yes and no. Try getting a job...most of my friends are out of work, working part time or had their work hours decreased, or underemployed. I already have my job worked out, so that's not a worry.
I just don't know how long I can last here. There has been a rash of crimes in the satellite cities around where I live. It is the typical black-on-black crime where niggas be shooting niggas over $10 or their street rep, knowwhati'msayin'? Same old shit year in and year out, century in and century out. As Franz Fanon would say,"Niggers killing niggers on a Saturday night. The mayor of one particularly fucksated city had the kanakas to wave away the problem by saying that it was happening in other cities around the state as well. A very big FUCK YOU to you, Mr. Mayor-who-can't-be-speaking-English-right-knowwhati'msayin'?
Went into the local warehouse shopping store. Chinese man walks past with greasy unwashed hair and dandruff on the collar of his cornflower blue member's only jacket.
Get 2 gallons of milk and a dozen and a half eggs. Big Black Buck is checking the items. It rings up to something like $10.29. Hilarity ensues:
"uhm...the milk is two for $5 and the eggs are $2.79...that's not $10.29."
He points to the labels on the milk...they are both blue, but one is 1% and the other is 2% milk. Both are on sale for 2 for $5, so what's the problem. So, I said, "Ok...ring up two gallons of the 2% milk and I'll switch them after I pay."
He attempts to do so, but the total comes out higher.
"That can't be right. "
"See, I took of the milk and added the other one."
"I want two gallons of milk for $5 and the eggs are $2.79...That's $7.79."
This was too much for him and he stared at me like I was speaking Korean to him.
Homeless looking guy eating a muffin behind me says something about switching the milks...people are waiting...I told him to shut up and eat his muffin. BBB needed to fix the problem.
Of course, I was wrong in that I should have had two milk gallons of the same kind, but if both are two for $5, what's the fucking problem? Finally BBB gets it worked out and I want to pay for it with a debit card. BBB asks if I want cash back and I tell him that I want $40. He rings it up, hands me the receipt for $47.79 and nothing else; he starts ringing up the next customer.
"Can I have my $40 please? He says nothing to me, obviously humiliated because he cant be understandin' 2nd grade math and shit, he just calls over the manager and tells her that he owes me $40. The manager opens the register and BBB hands me the $40...no sorry, no thank you. Whatever...I thought about saying something, but was afraid I'd get shanked later.

Koreans vacation like Assholes

2010-01-07T18:16:00.002+09:00

Here are two DAK stories from travelling. A DAK is a Dumb Ass Korean. Studies show that there are nearly 47 million of them in the Land of the Moaning Clam alone.

I was in the departure lounge at the Bangkok airport drunk and waiting for them to call for boarding FOR THE 11:30 pm flight. There were two stupid looking Korean women with nearly identical sun dresses and big bug eye sunglasses (mind you it was nearly midnight) trying to open a security door. The Thai Thai Air employee rushed over to stop them as it is not to be opened and the loud siren would sound.
After the woman returned to her station, the women went around trying to open other doors. I went up to the woman and asked her what the DAKs (Dumb Ass Koreans) were doing.
They wanted to smoke.
The woman said she told them they had to go upstairs and outside if they wanted to smoke and would have to pass the security scanners on the way back. DAKs are lazy though. They just kept trying to open doors. The Thai Air employee said that if they open a door and the siren goes off, she will let security deal with them. The woman added: "They are Korean. They are very strong at whatever they do." Indeed.
I knew that I had a friend in her, so I told her that I didn't want to sit next to any Koreans on the flight. She said she understood and blocked the seat next to me so that I didn't have to have a DAK sitting next to me on the way home.I have another good story. This was about 7 or 8 years ago and I was flying Seoul to San Francisco on Singapore Airlines. You know the Singapore Chinese don't like the DAKs. Everyone in Singapore follows the rules to the letter. Or else they get a cane. So the flight was really not full, with plenty of seats around. I had three to myself and could almost stretch out for a nice flight home.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back, a DAK woman was sitting on the aisle seat and on my blanket. I asked her to go back to her seat and she refused. She said she had a right to sit there. I told her no, it was not her assigned seat and she needed to go sit in her assigned seat. She refused. Her husband was lying down in the four seats that they had to themselves in a row adjacent to mine. I guess they had been plotting to grab my 3 seat set up as soon as I got up.

I was really tearing into this woman. I told her that it is strange and inappropriate to move and sit next to another man on a flight and that she was making me feel uncomfortable. People were watching and listening. I called the stewardess over and before I could tell her the problem, the stupid DAK started vehemently arguing her point to a then-startled stewardess. Dumb move. I asked the stewardess to have the woman move back to her assigned seat, and the stewardess asked the woman to return to her assigned seat and that she would see what she could do to get her more room.

Of course, everyone who was smart (i.e. not Korean) had already grabbed more space after the flight took off.

I got the dirty looks and they were talking shit about me in Korean repeatedly. That was cool. Singapore Air will serve you Heineken after Heineken if you don't act drunk. I drank my fill, periodically trying to pass out (which is nearly impossible for me to do on a plane). But I had the pillows behind my head, the eye mask on, the blankets all cozy around me, and a smirk on my face that I knew was driving them completely batshit nuts.

Good times, good times.

Korean driving make me want to kill bunnies and puppies

2010-01-06T18:54:00.003+09:00

"Koreans are actually very good drivers." The quote was from a high level student I once taught. I wonder which koreans he was talking about. I figured you could name them on one hand.

I always use this example when discribing the Korean "drivers": Imagine that you had a very tall 6 year old, taught him the mechanics of driving and the rules of the road, then told him he could disregard the rules anytime he wanted to.

Just got in from driving to the store a half a beer ago. I had a Korean cut in front of me while i was driving so that he could make a left turn across two lanes of traffic. No one in back of me, but he couldnt wait that 2 extra seconds.

Sometimes I pull up next to them to bitch them out. Most of the time they have no idea what they did. It is just how the drive....like ricetards.

Drunk again

2010-01-06T15:12:00.003+09:00

Got drunk last night with an old friend, a new friend, and an Irish gentleman that I just met that night. There is an inverse relationship between how much one drinks and how intelligent the conversation is. The conversation devolved into a talk about how many dead Iraqis is equal to the magnitude of one dead American. I proffered that the answer was four.
"Fuck You!"
Repeated several times until the conversation slowly and awkwardly ground to a halt. It was 3 a.m. Time to go home.
I think that there is very little chance of having a mature discussion on US foreign policy with someone who is not from the States.
Nice guy though. Cool party; cool people.

Is anyone still reading?

2009-12-20T15:27:00.002+09:00

I just got back from a 7 week vacation. Koreans havent changed. I was at the bus stop and a college kid was there and he:
1.was coughing without covering his mouth.
2. made a loud noise to cough up spit.
3. coughed up the spit.
4. ate a snack without closing his mouth.
5. Smoked at the busstop around others.
I wanted to kill him.

Please Mr. Kim...don't eat my dog.

2009-10-25T12:23:00.003+09:00

Dog meat was eaten in Korea traditionally because Koreans were poor and need to survive. Then they came up with their voodoo-science theory, nay, fact that if you tourture the dog the meet with be more potent like some damned Rover Viagra.

Fast forward to the present day and Koreans are geeting slammed internationally for the practice, but are too proud to let the foreigners get them to stop doing something. It's like my neighbor...I ask him not to slam his gate, but he slams it anyway because he doesnt want me to control him. He could easily shut it quietly and it wouldnt take im more than a fraction of a second to do so (actually the whole damn family slams the gate).

So, they make it illegal...wink wink...and all around the country are dog meat restaurants advertising dog meat. I believe that they should just seriously enforce the ban as part of brand imaging. See...we are developed now. We don't eat dogs anymore.

My mother and my sister used to volunteer at a dog shelter in California and were told by the staff to be wary of Koreans looking to adopt larger dogs. Koreans need to step up and not be cartoon characters to the rest of the world.

Years ago there was a small market in Shindang. I happened upon it back in '95. I wondered around the market and it started to rain. I went down one alley way and there was a small cage with 2 large dogs inside. One dog had a tennis ball in its mouth. Through the tennis ball was a straightened out clothes hanger that was tied tight around the back of the dog's head. Blood and rain were streaming down the dog's face as the other dog licked his friend's wounds. The dog was in obvious pain and the look in his eye was frightening. I actually became scared and quickly left the market.

Koreans need to level up their manners Part 1: Pushing and Bumping

2009-10-22T18:01:00.004+09:00

I decided to go to the War Museum today. I have passed it a million times and have spent some time looking at the planes, tanks, vehicles, artillery that are in front of the museum. I was approaching a side gate of the Yongsan Army base on the very busy street that runs in front of Camp Kim and the USO and down the street from the Samgakji intersection. As I began to cross in the crosswalk, I had my head oscillating back and forth like a fan. There were cars waiting to turn that I would need to pass in front of and cars could turn left and right in front of (or into) me; you know how Koreans drive.

So, I had plotted the course across the street and I was scanning the traffic from side to side. I see a Korean ajosshi coming out of the Army gate and he was on a collision course with me. I didn't want to change direction as I was certain that I could cross safely by walking straight. At the last second, I put both elbows up and ajosshi caught a Charles Barkley style elbow to the shoulder. I keep walking and he yells after me and then rubs his shoulder and makes a hurt face. Asshole. Watch where you are going.

Then I went to EMart because I wanted to get my drink on. On the way back, this Korean 20-something moron tries to walk from my left across my path. I would have had to stop walking in the intersection to avoid colliding with him. As he crossed my path, I threw a forearm at him like I used to do in high school football. He bounced off it and crossed my path, so I guess he won even though he took a hit.

I hate these "people."

I have never heard anyone ever say Koreans were sofisticated

2009-10-05T17:35:00.002+09:00

I don't eat out often. Usually only on dates. Reasons include cost, lack of trust that the kitchen staff are preparing the food with a modicum of hygiene, and I don't like watching Koreans eat....especially the men.

Nyom nyom nyom nyom

It is bad enough that they do not chew with their mouths open. But that just gives me an opportunity to devote all my attention to my date. Koreans appear, all too often, to have a contest to see who can shove more food into their cakeholes and still carry on a conversation. You really can't get away from the sound.

I can still remember my mother's voice telling me to chew with my mouth closed...don't talk with your mouth full...don't use the salad fork for the main course (even that level of table manners is way over Koreans' heads).

Korean parents do not teach their children table manners...wait....what do they teach them? Not to throw garbage of the ground? No. Keep the noise down in public places? No. Don't slam doors and gates? No. Not run around in crowded places? No. Etc... ad infinitum. They do send them to 20 hogwons a week. That counts for parenting, doesn't it?

Back to the restaurant...the sounds they make when they eat really make me sick. Smack, smack, smack...nyom nyom nyom. And the sounds they make when they drink...like those two Pepsi ads. Then we have burping, picking their teeth at the table....I can't continue.

Ever been to a buffet in Korea? It's like feeding time. And they can stand hovering above the food, talking over it, minute particles of spittle falling on the food. Last time I was at a buffet (2001), I was going to get ice cream until the kid in front of me sneezed on it in the freezer.

That's it. Talk amongst yourselves.

The insanity built into the Korean Matrix

2009-09-29T19:43:00.001+09:00

Remember in The Matrix when Neo is told about the first matrix and how it was too perfect that the people didn't believe it? What they failed to tell you was that there was a second matrix before the one where Neo, Trinity, and Morphus were playing about. You live in it: the Korean Matrix.
Instead of being too perfect, the Korean matrix is too imperfect. People running around, bumping into each other, expressionless and cold individuals, trying to cut away at their faces to change appearance or opting to leave the matrix via 15th floor balcony of their apartment that looks like every other apartment in every other city.
I get on the bus today. The bus driver doesn't great me, but greats the other passengers behind me. His programming tells him that all white people in the matrix do not speak Korean. It is 25 degrees Celsius outside. The bus driver doesn't turn on the air conditioner because he is programmed not too...it's not that hot. The temperature in the matrix is always just a little above what is comfortable for us humans.
Every man has his legs spread wide out, airing out their little packages. Most people close their eyes, some talk into cellphones. Others look forward or out the window with a vacuous expression on their impassive faces. They are all, as Chuck Palahniuk wrote (about something else): "A copy of a copy of a copy." They all think the same way, the way they have been told to think. There is little original thought here. They all hold the same views on most things, especially about those who don't belong in the matrix...foreigners.
Foreigner have a round eye and high nose. Any foreigner darker than Korea is dirty. Chinese is a dirty Asian. Foreigner can not eat spicy food. White teacher spend a time in Hongdae for meeting the Korean woman. Have new Korean woman many. They cannot speak the Korean. They don't understand about the Korean people or culture.

Do you know Dokdo?

The man in front of me coughs at the window. I turn my head and hold my breath. Anger washes over me and I tell myself he is just a Korean and knows no better. The old woman sitting next to me is like jelly; as the bus jolts side to side, she repeatedly bounces off of me. She digs in her bag, elbow a few centemeters from my face. The man next to her watches TV on a very small screen.
I ring the bell with my elbow. Passengers standing do not want to move out of my way. I have to push them. A middle aged woman stands with her ass on the bus card machine. I slid my hand across her ass and swipe my ring on the machine. She barely moves. The bus stops and I get off.
Three university students are talking and not looking where they are going. I either step into the street or stand still. Unattractive university girl runs into me. She makes eye contact, but there is no glimmer of life in her dull brown eyes. No sorry, no bow...it was like she ran into a tree.
I wondered if there was not a glitch in the Korean matrix like the woman in the red dress. But in the Korean matrix, the glitch is public drunkenness. I look around and there are no glitches...unusual.
I start walking towards the store. Two women in identical black dresses, jackets, and white shirts with their hair up in buns stare at me. I smile. They stare back. A woman with a push cart is delivering a monologue as she pushed the cart. But maybe it was a dialog as she was answering herself. She liked the word 싶팔년 (fucking bitch). I couldn't help thinking she was the sanest person I saw today.
I get on the subway instead of the bus because from 4 to 8 pm everyday, several kilometers of the main street running to my neighborhood are all kinds of fucksated with traffic and driver retards. There is a three way intersection. Cars go north/south, east/west, then a left turn signal. Each and every time, more cars drive into the intersection that can get out, running the red light. This causes cars whose light has turned green to have to wait or drive around the stalled traffic. Then they block the intersection. Then those cars turning cant move and they block the intersection. EACH AND EVERY INSANE TURN OF THE FUCKING TRAFFIC LIGHT. A police officer watches, never taking out his ticket book.
The insanity of Korea never ends.

Putting New in front of something certainly makes it somehow better

2009-09-20T12:17:00.003+09:00

I was on a bus travelling through Korea's Manhattan when I spied a brochure in the hand of a salaryman. "Chuncheon: New Siliconvalley". Apparently, Silicon Valley is now one word; better tell the folks in Northern California. Old Silicon Valley stands for innovation and progress. In Korea, these words apply only to how to tear down traditional buildings and put up the New Traditional building of Korea: dog box apartments.
It is in these New Traditional apartments that a real sense of community can form. You will become close to your neighbors like never before. 1600+ people jammed into a close space.
You will get to know the comings and goings of your neighbors with their frequent door slamming. Their children running and screaming down the hall will teach you to the joys of unrestrained, shrieking youth.
You can feel the pain and joys of your neighbors as they scream at each other in a loving argument or as Mr. Kim next door smacks around his wife, to the crying voices of his children pleading him to stop.
It is here that you child's greatest memories will be of riding their bikes around the car park in a endless circle or kicking a soccer ball against the wall with friends, screaming loudly after each goal.
The building guards control your heating. You can turn it off, but you still pay for it. They will lovingly keep a watchful eye out for you, hovering over you as you sort your recyclables, ever vigilant that you, as a foreigner, might make a mistake and put something in the wrong place.
Community....it only exists in Korea, New Paradise.

Way to Keep it Classy, Korea!

2009-09-16T11:01:00.004+09:00

When I lived in Uijongbu, I would walk alot in the countryside because I like to walk. On the main road to school was trash everywhere. There were very few places where you could see a meter without garbage. This wasnt a street people would generally walk on. It ran mostly through farms. No, gentle readers, this garbage came from people throwing it out of cars.
I dont know about where you come from, but in California, people....adults usually do not throw their trash wherever they want. Parents usually instill in their children that we need to keep our city clean and pretty. Korean parents obviously do not do this.
Last year, I was walking behind a father with two small kids with him. He, the father...an adult, threw his popsicle wrapper on the ground. I yelled at him and told him in Korean that trash doesnt go there. He picked it up and say "solly." I told him sarcastically that he was a good father.

Do you remember?

2009-09-01T12:54:00.001+09:00

September. Summer breaks in September in the Land of the Morning Sparkle. I don't care for the traditional definitions of the seasons, American or Korean. If it is hot and you sweat without exercising, it is summer.

If you are from California or have spent any length of time there, you know that the seasons are not predictable. I was at Disneyland two days before Christmas one year and it was really hot, short pants and short sleeve shirt weather. Summers in Northern California can be very cold. I miss the unpredictable weather.

This summer has been mild in Korea. Cold winds from the North blow blah blah blah...I couldn't care less the reason, but I am thankful for it none the less. Korea's weather is indeed predicable. Since inventing the four season over 5000 years of culture ago, the weather is enervating in its predictability. The monsoon season comes in June, July and August are unbearable with heat and humidity, January will be the coldest month. The air will be dry. Yellow sand will come in spring, heavy or not, it will come.

I love winter. I truly do. I believe that this stems from two factors: I would visit my grandparents in winter and winter meant skiing at Squaw Valley, site of the 1960 Winter Olympics. Squaw Valley. Vaurnet cat eyes. Mother Karen pullover. Jeans sprayed with waterproof spray.

"Dude, there is fresh powder all over Tahoe, lets go tomorrow." Leave the house at 5am, skip school, drive to Tahoe, get back at dinnertime. Parents would ask you how your day was at school and you'd reply "good," raccoon tan on your face.

My point is, gentle reader, I fucking hate summer in Korea. Summer is California is a fantasy world of cool people, the beach, a few brews, girls in bikinis, and it lasted forever. I remember one summer when I was working in Beverley Hills. I quit my job and hung out in Malibu at the beach. I would hang out at Zuma or Dan Blocker. There were these pretty high school girls who would invariably be there everyday. They took a lot of pictures of each other. I remember thinking how cherished those pictures and those memories would become for them. Beautiful girls growing up in the coolest place on the planet...California.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iknEJf9cPeY

I'm looking for Mr. Kim. Would Mr. Kim please raise his hand?

2009-08-31T14:35:00.003+09:00

These are the four fishermen who were just released by North Korea. Notice the wide and diverse range of emotions on their faces. Very expressive, no?
무표정하는아저씨들

You're so fucking future, and you don't even know it

2009-08-31T13:29:00.007+09:00

In 1994, bars closed at midnight. You couldn't get a beer at the store. Shady probable gangsters would hang out in the mouths of alleys asking if you wanted to buy a beer. Touts (비키?) could take you to closed illegal speakeasies around Shinchon. There were placing in Hondae, too (and probably everywhere else). There was one place halfway between the Methodist church in front of Yonsei and Shinchon train station (which is now a fucking department store with a movie theatre).

Halfway down an alley and down a set of stairs, it looked abandoned. There was no bell. You had to take turns banging on the door as hard as you could. Sometimes it would take 10 minutes to be let in. The door was metal, heavy like at Hitler's bunker, and it had professional sound absorption padding like they have in studios and at the ear doctor.

The door would open eventually, it always did, and loud American music would blast through the opening as a Korean beckoned you quickly to come inside. Once inside, the place was spacious and trendy. Foreigners, Koreans...we all came to party.

Once on our way there, we passed one of my students. I didn't even see her. My friend asked me if that wasn't her. She had a quick smile. She was a student at Ewha Womens (sic) University. She majored in Korean traditional dance and minored in ballet...or was it the other way around? She was with a Korean guy, a first date as I would learn (and the last).

Basically, we hooked up at the club. On the way out, we saw the guy drunk and dejected, sitting on the curb wondering how the fuck that just happened to him. We giggled and crept away into the night. I couldn't have cared less about him.

YJ was from Pusan. She wanted to be a model, but she was too short at 162cm. I did see her in a print ad for Samsung once. She was wearing a silver miniskirt outfit and standing next to a traditional looking old man. I haven't seen her since about 1996.

Back at the bunker another time, there was a big fight. There was a guy from Edmonton, stocky and looked like he could handle himself. He walked over to YJ as I was buying drinks. Upon walking towards the table, she pointed at me and said something to he guy. He approached me and began apologizing, saying he didn't know she was with me. Cool. Enjoy the party, brother.

Now, we didn't know at the time why the fight started. But I learned later when I saw the guy sitting down waiting for someone near the Methodist church. I asked him the reason for the fight and he told me that a guy in our group, a real wanker, was also from Edmonton. When the guy told him he was also from Edmonton, our wanker friend began badmouthing the city. The stocky guy wasn't having it.

We didn't know that though. Just one of his friends came over and said that the guy was pissed and we should leave. A friend of mine told him to fuck off repeatedly until he got punched for swearing in the guy's face. A couple of other punches were thrown and there was pushing and shoving and a lot of trash talking. The fight basically ended with me politely asking the stocky to take his hand off my shit-talking friend's neck. He did. He was a reasonable guy.

We did leave though. I walked YJ back to her boarding house then walked home.

(I have no idea why blogger will not save in paragraph form. I indented and left 5 spaces indented).

August 1994

2009-08-28T15:24:00.000+09:00

It was the end of August 1994. I got off the plane from Kimpo and was met by a gentleman named Mr. No. We waited for two other English teachers to get off the same flight. One was a 49 year old former drama teacher and the other was an unintelligent woman-child who would later that year begin to bring her puppy into her classes at the hogwon.

Mr. No drove us in the minivan to the main hogwon on Chong-ro. It was to be our first, but not last, view of the way Koreans do things without consideration for others. The bags stayed in the minivan and Mr. No brought us into the hogwon for a cup of instant coffee and we sat there with him. He spoke almost no English.

After 45 minutes, we tried to ascertain why we were sitting there. We all had a long flight from California and needed a shower and dinner. Mr. No just thought we wanted a cup of coffee and awkward conversation. He eventually took us across the street to the YMCA.

I was to share a room with the older gentleman and the woman-child had her own room. This was fortuitous as she and I ended up sleeping together that night. There were three other new teachers for the hogwon that we met at the YMCA, and we went out for dinner in Chong-ro. I remember thinking this was the gay part of town as many ajosshis were holding hands. At dinner, the older gentleman tried to ask the BBQ ajumma in English if the meal was dog meat.

After dinner, the woman-child told the group that we were going to go for a walk and we parted ways with them. She was very pretty, with mid-back length brown hair and green eyes. We held hands and walked around for a while in the late summer heat.

Back at her hotel room, she asked me to give her a massage. I did and she took off her shirt. I countered by taking off her bra. The massage didn't last too long and we began having sex. Little did I know that she was to be my penultimate Caucasian paramour. We made love several times and slept well into the morning of our first full day in Seoul.

I would have never imagined that 15 years later I would still be in Korea.